On the edge of a noose

"I hope he grows some balls, dumps that bitch and gets back together with you. "

Did I just really say that?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Here I am, obviously showing her that I did still have feelings for him- and I tell her that.

"That's weird, are you sure that's what you want babe?"

I said yes. I said yes because it would show that he has ultimately grown up and not run away at the mere thought of a serious relationship.

But did I really mean what I said? It's hard to believe I do with all these emotions going through me. All this while, I thought I would have wanted him all to myself.

"Hey, if I still did want him, would I be really talking to you?"

No, I would not. Even if I had hatched some plan to use all this to my benefit and go behind her back and try to steal him away-it's not something I would have gone through with. Much less, I never even thought of any such plan.

Here I thought, for two whole years was this person that would do anything for me, if I had asked nicely. Here I thought was this person who will never say a lie to my face, never hurt my feelings or even betray my trust. That he would always be there for me when I was down. He knew me inside and out (no pun intended..). Despite all my flaws, he would tell me that was what made me perfect. I could go on and on...

However, it's comforting that I'm not the only one that feels like this. Or the only one he made feel like this.

Not.

I think I said those things because they did have an ounce of truth in them. I still do care about him and yes, he has made an impact on my life (whose life has he hadn't? pfft). But no. I will not go through one of the most emotionally draining episodes of my life again. I will not submit myself to being lied to. I will not lose myself over a person I do not even know anymore.

I don't know who he is anymore..

He popped into my head during my economics paper. I felt my vision getting blurry and I was going to burst into tears very soon.

This is not the time to be feeling like this...

I quickly rubbed my eyes and held those tears back and just forced my thoughts to push him away and just continue answering the goddamned paper.

I NEVER think about shit like that during exams. NEVER. I felt so fucking dissapointed in myself after that.

And then I come home, and hear her say,

"Asshole popped into my head during my exam paper."

Again, I wasn't the only one.

I know I am so much stronger than this. Just tell me, when is this going to end?

I really need a good night's sleep.