The Coast Is Clear

*PURRRRRRR*

Azy is a contented kitty at the moment. It's done, all done. Next few months will be filled with anxiety but I will remain optimistic!

I'm in a spiffy diffy mood because I finally feel that lingering taste on my tongue again. FREEDOM.

By the way, that video clip of the song by George Michael is way cool. All these top supermodels are in it instead of him. I have no idea who the men are though. Just goes to show how the status of male supermodels is like. Double standards.

Will shop till I drop. Party non-stop. And just live, goddammit.


Yeah, I'm so uptight. Yeah, I should've said "anything" to you just now. Yeah, I know it's not a big deal.

I can't explain it. I'm actually getting tongue-tied.

The Middle

I am in the midst of my personal statement now. It's moving along slowly, but hey, least it's moving. I'm finding it a bit hard to put the message across that, I am different! I will be a valuable asset to your university!Accept me you English fogies!

Also, I know shit about the business world. And this is the reason of me wanting to do it. I wanna learn. How do you express that?

I've been a science student all my life sirs and madams. I woke up one day and realised I had unrealistic dreams so now I want to be in the business world and make lotsa cash. Getting a degree from your university will make this dream every one step closer.

I know that the degree is amazingly flexible and will make it so much easier to branch out into different fields. I have a feeling of what I would like to do for now, but knowing my fickle mind, it's likely to change.

I hope to venture into marketing, most probably in the field of fashion. Oh, why don't I do a fashion degree? Because I can't draw for nuts and there exists a certain lack of creativity. A business degree would be the next very best thing! I like taking charge of things see, and running my own show. Just like certain people, say, Donald Trump? Or Richard Branson? I wanna be just like them!

Everyone says to just write and show them who I truly am. Yeah, what if they don't like me for who I am? Because I sure as hell am not too fancy of myself either!

I'll try my very best though. I've been plagarising all these articles though unfortunately. Like I said, I know shit about business!


Someone asked me out just a moment ago. All I can say is, FINA-FUCKING-LLY.

Teehee. :)

Review

Watched Alexander yesterday. One word: LONG.

I thought the movie would be pretty good, considering there was not much hype about it, I didn't think I would dissapointed if I didn't have such high expectations for it.

The movie started out on a pretty good note. They gave a brief glimpse of his childhood and Angelina Jolie is waaay too hot to be a mom. But then, it sank straight into him being in a battle to conquer Babylon. I was a little dumbfounded there. Weren't they going to explain how he became so passionate about discovering and travelling to new worlds? Nope, they didn't. They portrayed him of being obsessed about expanding his rule rather than being driven by passion. No doubt that this wasn't the intention of the film makers, but after 2 hours I was still left wondering what the hell made Alexander be so great in achieving what he did.

Here's a positive review by the way, http://www.aintitcoolnews.com/display.cgi?id=18886.
I guess you have to dig a little deeper beneath the surface. No one really knows the truth of his life. But after those 3 hours, I didn't give a fuck.

Also, what is with the overzealous boy-on-boy action? I knew they were going to portray his "sexual preferences"( er, he didn't have any preference), but did they have to go all out on it? There were these moments of him looking at this pretty boy servant in lust that was just plain annoying. They could have turned down the heat a little...

Overall, I thought the performances were pretty good. The battle scenes were a little over the top after a while. Colin Farrell however, does not make a good blonde.

--------------------------------

UCAS all the way. My final six choices ( for now,ergh) are:-

Bath
Cardiff
Manchester
Nottingham
Reading
York

Reason for procrastinating is clear-I'm scared shitless of the outcome of all this. I just found out this week Notts needs a fourth subject just like Warwick. I doubt I will get that one, but I really have no other choice so all fingers are crossed. York was the last minute option. Not as far as Lancaster and slightly further than Manchester. Still not liking the fact that I can't apply ANYWHERE in London, if not I will substitute Notts with City.

The fact that the US dollar is ever weakaning is making my dad's eye twitch. Sigh.

Pants On Fire

David, this one's for you. Sing along fucka!

Life sucks.

3 Libras- A Perfect Circle

threw you the obvious
and you flew with it on your back,
a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.

difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and you don't see me.

but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.

here i am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all and see you.

so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the
eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.

oh well.
apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.


Giving up because that's all I can do at this point. Walls have been broken down. I don't have the time to build them up again. It's not supposed to effect me in anyway. But you know why it still does?

Because I'm not going to just sit here and watch this all go by. It was either this or pretend nothing's happened and life is all peachy keen.

*knocks head into wall*

So I picked the easier choice. It's too hard pretending nothing's happened.

Good Riddance

IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!

And tomorrow, it's back to classes. How anti-climatic is that? Oh well..

IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER!

Who holds the stars up in the sky?

For the first time today, I watched "A Walk To Remember".

*Waits till the screaming and screehes of girls going "WHAT?" stops*

I was never interested in watching it before because I knew it was such a sappy chick flick. Even with the hordes of females telling me how good the story is was not enough to make me get off my ass and watch it.

So, I was flipping channels and there it was, showing on HBO. The main reason I stopped switching was probably because Shane West is so hawt. (Who would actually say no to marrying him, c'mon?)

And yes, it was a sappy chick flick. A beautiful sappy chick flick. Oh man, I bawled my eyes out throughout the movie. But I couldn't stop watching. I knew what the ending was but I still didn't want to miss anything. I'm probably going to see it multiple times in the future.

I am finally "one of the girls" . Joy.

Someday We'll Know by New Radicals is currently on constant replay.

Last day tomorrow. Bring it on.

I'm not going to lie, I'm expecting a lot from this. That's just what I'm all about.

I think you've already dissapointed me. Despite the fact that you have no idea what I'm expecting out of you. I don't know if you're choosing to ignore these hints, or you just have no clue what is going on.

The fact that you just don't know, dissapoints me.

I'm being unfair. And yet, I'm not sorry.

Haven

1. What's the colour of your bedroom walls?
Blue...one of my walls is white though.

2. What's in the drawer of your dresser?
Don't got a dresser. I do all my whoring at the bathroom sink.

3. Do you have a rug or hardwood floor?
Rug on a hardwood floor, with cushions!

4. What kind of pictures are on your wall?
I used to have loads of posters, but all of them started falling off. I have this poster I bought from Ikea that shows a wave crashing into a lighthouse. Fits the ambience :)

5. Is your computer in your bedroom?
Naw, it's in the study.

6. Did you make your bed today?
Yes, everyday!

7. Are your clothes all over the place?
Yes, a pile of clean clothes at one corner. And some strewn over my chair.

8. What colour are your sheets?
Blue, with white circles and stripes.

9. When you walk in your room what's the first thing you smell?
Er, fresh air? I keep my windows open throughout most of the day, so yeah..

10. Do you have a TV in your room?
Nope. If I did, I'd probably never come out.

11. Are there any full length mirrors in plain view?
Yeap, a swirly mirror at that!

12. What's on the table next to the bed?
The phone, a lamp, a bottle of water, medicine, a clock, pieces of paper..

13. What's in the drawer of the table next to the bed?
Three drawers all full of junk. Believe me! I haven't cleaned it out since we moved in 4 years ago!

14. What covers the windows-curtains or mini blinds?
They're somewhat blinds but made of curtains. :/

15. What's piled up under your bed?
Nothing! Muahaha.

16. Are your lights bright or dim in your room?
Bright. And mismatched because my dad bought the wrong type of bulb when one of the lights burnt out.

17. Is your bed brass or wood framed?
I guess it's wood.

18. Do you use a little plug-in night light?
No, it's because I can't sleep unless it's totally dark.

19. How many wadrobes do you own?
Just one. It's fulled to the brim. And my sister's too since she's not here..hehe.

20. Do you drink or smoke in your bedroom?
Nope.

21. The most eye catching item/s in your room?
My swirly mirror!

A Bad Feeling About This

i was searching for some legal document
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
and that's how this idea was drilled into my head

-Title and Registration, Death Cab For Cutie

I am left with no choice but having to listen to all this songs I downloaded eons ago on my Kazaa. I just upgraded it and it screws up on me. Ergh.

Can't stand it anymore. I have so many things to get done and where has the time gone? I've been planning to finish up this UCAS shit since August, and I haven't even decided on my sixth and final choice of uni. My PS is non-existant. The due date is on the 30th.

If I really wanted to go to England, would I have actually stalled about this thing till this far?

DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!!

I want to go so bad. I'm just a lazy ass.

@#$#@!!$#@#$!&^!!*&&*!

Eyes Of A Tragedy

What the hell is up with people who type like this?

oHmYgoD, ToDAy I WeNt ShoPpIng!!!!!!I BoUghT LoAds Of CrAp!!!!!WeEEeE!!!!Oh YeAh, jAnE AnD BoB R DaTinG!!!!!!!!CAn U BeLiEvE ThAT??????!!!!!!It"S SooOOOO WEiRD!!!!!

You know how long it took me to just write that out? Probably like 10 minutes. And people can write whole blog posts just like that. What the hell? It would take them probably hours to just finish up a post. Precious time wasted just to sound like a person who's mentally challenged? Jesus fucking christ.

Also, what is up with the exclamation points, man? These people sound like they're on Prozac. Normal poeple can just get their point across just by putting full stops at the end of their sentences. <-- look what I just did there.

Geez, it just annoys the fuck outta me.

Wishing On A Star

Did you know that it depends on the angle that you are looking from that determines the amount of stars that we see? Our Solar System is actually on the far edge of the galaxy- which is shaped like a disc. If you are looking towards a certain angle, you'll be facing the main body of the galaxy. Thus, you see a bigger stripe of stars.

I love learning about all this little things. Makes me feel so small compared to this huge universe we are in. I find this good because then I realise, Hey, the world doesn't revolve around you, it has many other things to worry about-so stop complaining.

I used to have such a passion for space and physics. I remembered reading about astrophysics and what their job is about from this science book my dad bought. It was actually for himself because he had a hard time trying to teach me science in Malay. :/

The job description said something on the lines of- figuring out how the stars and planets in space work. And I just thought, that would be the coolest job in the world. I was also, 10.

I sometimes regret not furthering this passion of mine. Reality kinda sunk in around Form 5. How the hell would I ever work for NASA? How in heck would I even find work here? Would I even pass high school, enough to still continue in science later on? People keep telling me it will be hard, will it?

I think I gave up to soon. Knowing me, if I worked hard enough, I would be able to pursue it. I love thinking analytically and analysing situations. I prefer logic and cold hard facts. I don't really like the idea of subjectivity, things that are too open to interpretation and abstract ideas. For me, things had to have one definite answer and that was it.

Weird how in the end, I followed my feelings instead of my thoughts. Well, I won't know if this was the better choice for me..until I become the owner of a multi-billion dollar corporation! But so far, IT'S ALL GOOD.

Dancing With The Perfect Stranger

New Years 2004

I remember you stretching out your hand inviting me on the podium. I remember looking around at my friends, should I? I remember you insisting on it. To hell with it, I thought, and I grabbed at your hand and you pulled me up. The first thing you said to me,

"I like your hair!"

I laughed. But I don't think you heard me. The music was so loud. I had my back facing you and we were facing the crowd. Your hands on my hips. Your fingers pulling my top down so it wouldn't ride up. ( I couldn't believe you actually did that!) I remember you singing along to all the songs. (I couldn't believe you knew all the words!).

You turned me around and we looked at each other. I remember you trying to make small talk. But we could hardly hear each other- so we just danced. :) I loved how I never felt self-conscious of myself at that moment. It felt like we were the only two people and all we had to do was just dance. We were moving in sync, bodies pressed up against each other, sweat dripping all over--I didn't want it to end. It seemed like everything could be as simple as that-dancing.

And then, I had to go. I didn't want to.

"I gotta go now."

You said okay. You leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek and helped me down the podium. And I didn't look back.

I regret one thing-not asking your name.

New Year's is coming up. Will you be there?

right back where we started from

I have the habit of being so crystal clear, when I'm trying my very best to not be so obvious.

But why can't I open up when there are things that need to be out in the open?

See, in both cases-I'm not saying anything.

I'm scared of what I say sometimes. I don't want to regret anything. So, I'd rather keep it inside of me where it's safe. So no one will get hurt. Or maybe, I'm just protecting myself. I don't see myself as a very complex person and I know some people read me really well. These are the people I go to, because even if I'm not saying anything, they know what to say back.

In a way, there's nothing wrong with a person knowing you too well-it saves you a whole lotta trouble. Sometimes, you need that.

As It Is

Was it just me, or did it actually feel uncomfortable being around each other?
What is up with that by the way?

Hmm.

The end is soooo close. Can you taste it? It's just slighly lingering on your taste buds. It tastes sorta familiar. And, when you finally know what that taste is-it dissapears.

It's FREEDOM, asswipes.

It's not gonna stay there forever-so savour the taste while you can.

As you already know, I'm a little brain dead at the moment. A week more to my last and final paper. It feels like it's already ended. Not a good thing to be feeling. I still want an A. My brain is also numb from excessive amounts of Alias. Could the storyline be more unrealistic? But that's what makes it so addictive...


Oh, Karl Lagerfeld designing for H&M. Freaking milestone! My sister promised to buy me something interesting. Wee!

Healing On A Platter

I want to be seduced. Seduced my fucking ass off. I would love it for a guy to just come up to me and offer to buy me a drink. And then, proceed to engage in a conversation full of sexual innuendoes. All this while I shamelessly run my foot up and down his leg.

Listening to Prince makes me horny.

Yes, sexual tension has come back to haunt me. Though it is not as bad as that phase I went through in Form 3 (or 2?). I can imagine the looks on all my friends faces right now and I know what they're thinking, "Horny Azy is back!".

Did you seriously think she'd be gone for long?

It's hard to find someone of the opposite sex who is as sexually open as I am. Many guys will convince themselves that they are "up for anything", of course and disagree with what I think. But hear me out.

It's some sort of mindset for guys to think that most girls are prudes on the surface but are dirty little whores inside. And it's their job for them to bring that bitch out.

Hey, no prudes on my surface. I'm already a dirty little whore. Somehow, I get the feeling that it scares certain guys away. Don't get me wrong, when I talk about being sexually open- I don't mean doing the deed. Heck, it's all the other things associated with it that are usually overlooked.

Kissing. Teasing. Licking. Rubbing. Stroking.

The thing about sex is, that once it's done it's done. And that's all you're basically gonna do for the rest of your time. Maybe that's what held me back. I enjoyed the other things so much, I didn't wanna go through to the next step and leave all that behind.

To sum it up, I'll stick with the foreplay. And I think this is what chases the guys away. Because at the end of the day, they'll be still taking that cold shower.

With Or Without You-U2

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live

With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you

My all time favourite song. Download it NOW.

...The price of getting what you want, is getting what once you wanted- Dream

I was at Kinokuniya the other day, and I saw a Neil Gaiman's Sandman calender. Will someone be a dear and get it for me? Thanks.

Warning: Geek Azy on the loose!

Neil Gaiman's Sandman

Everyone knows how my dad is the ultimate geek-he collects comics. I find it endearing in a way. He's the type of person that never loses his passion for something. He's been collecting since the aga of 9.

I never picked up on comic reading. Of course, I went through the whole Archies phase and I do flip through once in a while when my dad leaves his newly bought stack on the coffee table. My sister however did pick it up since all she does is read. (hehe, you english lit major you). And she recommended I pick up Sandman. It's not really a comic or a book- but a graphic novel.

I flipped through and just by looking at the hazy abstract artistry, I got a headache. It wasn't my cup of tea. The story seemed so complicated and the drawings seemed so, depressing. It was also very, very deep. I'm not saying I'm shallow or anything, but I've always preferred more 'light' reading material. But this was all because I had no idea what the story was about.

There are seven beings that are not Gods,that existed before humanity dreamed of Gods,that will exist after the last God is dead.

There are seven beings that exist because,deep in our hearts, we know that they exist.

There are seven beings that are called the Endless.They are, in order of age, Destiny, Death, Dream,Destruction, Desire and Despair, and Delirium,who was once Delight.

In a nutshell, it depicts a "family" called the Endless. From their names, you can tell, their main role in life is to function and be in charge of these "realms". What's so interesting is how they personify their roles in life. Death is a perky goth, while Desire is an androgyny, and is the twin of Despair.

I sense this is the point where everyone goes, "Eh?".

I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a complex storyline of fantasy and reality all rolled in to one. It's eerie and loopy, but very much in touch with reality that on so many levels anyone can relate to it. The characters themselves seem so out of the loop but you can't help feeling how sensible they are to the point of sympathy. (Esp. for Death- a character you're actually willing to die for). It takes some getting used to- but comes of very familiar in the end. It's literature in a new light.

Though, the art is not for the faint-hearted.


-End of Geek Azy-

Is it just me, or are people purposely forgetting to give out duit raya?

"I thought I hit rock bottom. But, now it's like, rock bottom, 50 feet of crap..and then me."
- Rachel on "Friends"

Ya gotta hand it to Friends. Nothing else can make you laugh your ass off when you're feeling down and out.

"I'm not so good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"-Chandler

"My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually, she only did it once but it was pretty weird."-Phoebe

Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.

Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.

Joey (watching old videos of Monica): Some girl ate Monica!!! "
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds. "
Chandler: so how many cameras are actually on you?

Salesman: Now ahh, what do you know about vulcanised rubber?
Joey: Spock's birth control.

Joey: Oh! Sorry... did I get you?
Chandler: NO, you didn't Get me! It's an electric drill! You Get me, you Kill me!

Rachel: Good day for married people huh?
Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you.
Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay. I guess women aren't that great either.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.

Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
Ross: Yeah, sure.
Joey: By someone besides Monica?

Phoebe: Honey, I wish you would get over her. I hate seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you want to look down my top?
Joey: Thanks. But maybe later.


Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it.
Joey: Yeah, right!.......Y'serious?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah!
Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss.
Monica: Absolutely.
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Joey:(pause)....Are we still talking about sex?

edit: hey hey! my dad just bought season 10 of Friends! woohoo!

TWO MORE DAYS TO RAYA!

I'm such a kid when it comes to Raya. Every year, it seems more and more like a routine-but that's what makes me love it so much.

Selamat Hari Raya Everybody!

Oh yes, there will be a special "Hari Raya Open House-especially-for the friends-type-thing" next weekend hopefully. Some people have been bugging me about it and my dad just asked me if i'd like to do one for my friends. So yay yay!

Will be taking requests of what type of food is wanted because it's not gonna be this big thing. I know what JIAN wants. Bleh..who knows someone who can make roti jala?

On the edge of a noose

"I hope he grows some balls, dumps that bitch and gets back together with you. "

Did I just really say that?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Here I am, obviously showing her that I did still have feelings for him- and I tell her that.

"That's weird, are you sure that's what you want babe?"

I said yes. I said yes because it would show that he has ultimately grown up and not run away at the mere thought of a serious relationship.

But did I really mean what I said? It's hard to believe I do with all these emotions going through me. All this while, I thought I would have wanted him all to myself.

"Hey, if I still did want him, would I be really talking to you?"

No, I would not. Even if I had hatched some plan to use all this to my benefit and go behind her back and try to steal him away-it's not something I would have gone through with. Much less, I never even thought of any such plan.

Here I thought, for two whole years was this person that would do anything for me, if I had asked nicely. Here I thought was this person who will never say a lie to my face, never hurt my feelings or even betray my trust. That he would always be there for me when I was down. He knew me inside and out (no pun intended..). Despite all my flaws, he would tell me that was what made me perfect. I could go on and on...

However, it's comforting that I'm not the only one that feels like this. Or the only one he made feel like this.

Not.

I think I said those things because they did have an ounce of truth in them. I still do care about him and yes, he has made an impact on my life (whose life has he hadn't? pfft). But no. I will not go through one of the most emotionally draining episodes of my life again. I will not submit myself to being lied to. I will not lose myself over a person I do not even know anymore.

I don't know who he is anymore..

He popped into my head during my economics paper. I felt my vision getting blurry and I was going to burst into tears very soon.

This is not the time to be feeling like this...

I quickly rubbed my eyes and held those tears back and just forced my thoughts to push him away and just continue answering the goddamned paper.

I NEVER think about shit like that during exams. NEVER. I felt so fucking dissapointed in myself after that.

And then I come home, and hear her say,

"Asshole popped into my head during my exam paper."

Again, I wasn't the only one.

I know I am so much stronger than this. Just tell me, when is this going to end?

I really need a good night's sleep.

Ticking Clock

And now back to your regular scheduled blogging...


I still have this jittery feeling in my stomach. I've never been so scared of any exam in my life.

*BREATHES*

Thinking Skills was horrible. I know it's not even a recognised subject by any university (again, screw you Taylors for making it compulsory) but it would be nice to get something above a C for it just once.

Accounts was well, alright. I thought all would go well after Paper 1 since it was quite easy. But no, Paper 2 just had to be as random as we thought it would be. None of the shit we concentrated on came out. I felt so disoriented that I kept switching back and forth between questions. Ah well..

And today, Economics. Again Paper 1 went quite well. For Paper 2, I read through the data response and thought, "okaaaay" but just quickly wrote down the best I could think of. The essay I picked was something that was spotted so, heaved a huge sigh of relief right there. Not even three quarters through the essay, the invigilator said, "Five more minutes".

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING WITH ME BITCH!

I had no time to elaborate but just quickly wrote down one sentence points with no elaboration and a very vague conclusion (vague because when I read it through just before giving it in, i just went, "huh?").

Pfft. One more subject. The ever unpredictable Sociology. And then I am free. In two weeks.

When the pre-business kids finished, I couldn't help turning green. I'm seriously rotting at home. So, good thing we went out and had lunch after college today- i got to bask in some much needed sunlight.

I did not however enjoy Priscilla's antics of trying to take pictures of my ass...

I miss college a lot.

Up, up and away

I got played the weirdest card today. I didn't think it would go that far-but it did.

And it was the most enlightening experience ever. It lifted the hugest weight off my shoulders. I got my questions answered. For the very first time, I could talk to someone who knew exactly how I felt. Literally, the same exact feelings.

I'm blown away.

Hey, it seemed like the strangest thing that could ever happen, but I'm glad I could talk to you about it all. I know the same things have been repeated time and time again by others, but I definitely knew it was true, coming from you.

oh! sorry (and this is for like, the thousandth time) for all that shit earlier! i know you've accepted my apology and all- but yeah, it makes it seem better if i kept apologizing. :)

Lost of sense of fear

Yes, the past few days I have been pretty self-absorbed. It's always better for me to vent out my frustrations rather than being in denial. I have fallen- and now I'm back up again.

Life has just handed me the "Wake up and smell the coffee!" card. Truth be told, I don't think life has failed me. I have many things to be thankful for, which I tend to forget at moments like this. I guess the spoiled brat inside me just can't stand it when I don't get what I want. So instead, I throw a tantrum and bang my hands and legs on the floor bawling my eyes out.

Then the supposed matured part of me will shut that kid up with a slap on the face. Something that I will eventually have to get used to. :)

I've jumped over another hurdle of life-heartbreak. There's still a race going on ahead of me, and I have to stop looking back so I can cross that finish line.


Thanks to all who have helped me in forgetting about all this. I could not have done it on my own.

Time to study my ass off!

Lights, Camera...

I've been living in such a fairy tale.

I feel like some sort of protagonist in a story line. I've been waiting for some sort of prince charming to sweep my feet off the floor and carry me off into the sunset. I feel that life has given me this script that I have to act out, in order for my happy ending to come true.

What if things don't go the way the script has said it would? What if we don't get the applause or appreciation of others, but instead be booed of this stage? What if the ending was anti-climatic, the plot made absolutely no sense or the characters never filled in their roles the way they were expected too? Should we just drop out of this life script and rewrite a better one?

Is this my climatic scene?

It feels like I am at the point of distress. With people just waiting for me to plan out my escape. Or hatch a dastardly evil plan. And when nothing goes right, everyone would have to watch me as I suffer pain and bleed and maybe, eventually die. They have to watch me go through all this to see me build myself up again. Isn't it just pathetic?

Everyone has to feel like some sort of protagonist in their life story. It's only then that we know that life holds some form of significance. That's why we blindly go through each day facing that mirror- we know our lives mean something.

Does it really mean something even without that much desired happy ending?

I have lost faith in a happy ending. There's no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. No greener grass on the other side. I am an emotional baggage at the age of 17 and 10 months and 24 days.

All of this, just because I fell in love.

Now there's a movie for you.

Election Day

We're all screwed either way.

On rotation:-
Bleed American-Jimmy Eat World

I'm not alone cause the TV's on yeah.
I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday.
And rest, clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside with your grain.
Clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside.

Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Tune in and we can get the last call
.Our lives, our coal.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade.
Our lives.

I'm not alone cause the TV's on yeah.
I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday.
And rest, clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside with your grain.
Clean your conscious, clear your thoughts with speyside.

Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Tune in and we can get the last call.
Our lives, our coal.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade, our lives.

(I bled the) greed from my arm.Won't they give it a rest now?
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Tune in and we can get the last call
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt, our hearts littering the topsoil.
Sign up it's the picket line or the parade.

You must think I'm confusing you. And that in turn, is making you confused.

Guess it doesn't help that I'm confused as well, huh?

I'm secretly falling apart....

Maybe something in me thinks you can piece me back together. Bit by bit.